Run Home Jack

No matter how hard I will it to be otherwise, my brain puts two and two together by reaching out into the ether of pop culture and plucking out strands that slowly weave together realizations. It would be nice if things dawned on me in, oh I don't know...complete thoughts. But hey, I'll take what I can get.

As such, there are things rolling around up there in my mind. I suspect my subconscious is gathering up for some kind of complete thought. But until I figure out what that is, here are the tiny little pieces of reference that keep popping into my thoughts without my permission.  

1. "Run Home Jack!"

I've been thinking of the movie "Hook" almost non-stop lately. Don't know why exactly. But specifically the part where the pirates are accidentally chanting, "Run Home Jack" by accident when what they mean to say is "Home Run Jack". That and the fantastic score. Funny thing is, I haven't been able to watch this movie since I returned from Romania all the way back in December of 2005. The lost boys just hit too close to home when I think of the children I worked with there. It's just too much emotionally. But perhaps that has something to do with why it's banging down the door to my memory now...though I don't know how. 

2. "Do it honey, do it!"

An obscure Jane Russell quote from a song in the musical "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" has been offering me phantom encouragement lately. Yesterday, I committed one of my repeat cardinal sins. I cut my own bangs. I think it looks cute and my husband likes it and I needed a visual change to mark whatever this little phase is that I'm going through.

And even after spending hours watching tutorials on cutting bangs and making sure I had combed out the perfect section of hair, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, poised. I waited and waited. I second-guessed. And from out of that ether, came the random voice of Jane. "Do it honey, do it!" How odd. But I guess you can't spend your entire lifetime watching movies and not expect them to wriggle their way into your subconscious somehow, eh? Hear the voice of my encourager at 2:02.

3. Last but not least, I've been compelled to read C.S. Lewis lately. He's always been one of my favorite authors, funny enough, his nonfiction is what I like best. His "Letters to an American Lady", his "Mere Christianity" and others. As an essayist and commenter on his (then modern) culture, he's someone I aspire to be like. I've long studied his relationship with his fellow writers, specifically Tolkien. He's often quoted and several of those have been in that mix of random references floating around in my brain. 

There's even one I can't track down. I think it was him...maybe it was A.W. Tozer. But someone has a quote about being the type of person that you meet and people have to decide to go in one direction or another after they meet you. I can't even recall it specifically. Which is really bothering me. That one, this one...

"We all want progress. But progress means getting nearer to the place you want to be. And if you have taken a wrong turn, then to go forward does not get you any nearer. If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man."

And this one...

"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it."

Maybe some of this is self-imposed. Years ago when I was in a phase of heavy study in the Torah, I noticed that in Jewish culture, you don't get to begin your ministry until you reach the age of 30. It's tradition. Now, I'm not Jewish. But I've long identified as Liberal Messianic Jewish. Which sounds like a hilariously impossible mix, but it's the closest thing I've found. I turn thirty in a few months and I wonder, did I purposefully spend my twenties kind of kicking around and experimenting and gathering intel on what I really wanted to do with all these seemingly random parts of me?

Movies and Film History, Nonfiction Writing, Learning how to operate a camera and edit, delving into deep study of obsessions (Lord of the Rings, the Torah, theme park history, biographies of comedians. etc. I know...what strange bedfellows!)

It's likely wishful thinking. But what if it's not?   

I'm lucky to know a writer named Sarah Grubb. I follow her blog obsessively. I check it way too often. So often that I worry if she has Google Analytics she'll think that I might be stalking her. But anyway, in addition to being an incredible writer, she also makes collages. Recently, she collaged an image of the silhouette of a woman with these sort of green cells bouncing around inside of her. A few weeks later, she was diagnosed with mono. Prophetic? The body knowing before the mind? Good luck with glue and paper? Whatever it was, I found it to be endlessly fascinating.   

If it is wishful thinking to imagine that I'm on the edge of an epiphany, then maybe I can will all of this instability into something new anyway. The fictional Agent Scully would tell me that at times in our life when we're searching for meaning, we pay closer attention to the random happenstances of life and try to form a pattern out of them. A road map of some kind. We search for a bolt out of the blue, like we're seeking a permission slip from life. A get out of jail free card when things turn out to be less than what we thought. Maybe that's what I'm doing. Trying to turn this ship around after a difficult year of adjusting to new surroundings and coming down from the academic world.

If my subconscious is trying to suck in all the air that it can before making a big noise, then I'll be even happier. The wind is definitely shifting. But I don't know if it's toward or away from another job, if it's family-related, if it's negative or positive or focus-related or what. 

1 comment:

Jake Williams said...

Great thoughts! Change is in the air and has been for a year. Here's to finding out where to point your ship.